I'm A Cyborg, But That's OK by Park Chan-Wook

Who would've thought that the director of Oldboy would come out with a film that has joined my (very) short list of 'ROMANTIC FILMS THAT REALLY DON'T SUCK'? Starring Rain, no less.

Anyway the premise of the film is very endearing, two mental patients fall in love. One thinks she's a cyborg, the other is convinced he can steal anything (including personality traits and abilities).

Im Su-jeong really shines as Young-goon, the cyborg. She's really too cute to not fall in love with. Rain also holds up pretty well as Il-soon, the unbelievably hot thief. Ye gods, these two falling in love in a mental institution! Two hot like fire people who are crazy falling in love and literally creating their own world in their own little heads!

How can I not love such a premise?? Seriously, if most people's idea of a romantic fantasy is When Harry Met Sally, this is totally mine.

Sadly, the actual film-making does nothing more than serve to present this premise in a rather utilitarian manner. Ok, maybe it also serves as a vehicle for Rain (SUPER HOT) but, seriously, even Initial D was a bit more adventurous with their material. It kind of disappoints, especially since the director is Park Chan-Wook, that the film remained a sweet little love-letter and not something more. Perhaps not heavier but a bit more... transcendental.

But still, it is the best on-screen romance I've seen since Casablanca (don't knock it, love and politics is really sexy in a dramatic way) and the only (ugh) Romantic Comedy that was really an escapist vicarious enjoyment-type thing like 'Oh-I-Wish-My-Life-Could-Be-Like-This' for me like so many crappy others are for so many other people.

Sigh.

How am I going to find a Korean/Chinese pop-star-type to come and sweep me off my feet if they're all in mental institutions? That's it. I'm checking in to wait for my Jay Chou to arrive.

Chipster Potato Chips

If you've known me long enough, you obviously know that I love potato chips and that my favourite potato chips are Jack N Jill Salsa Chilli flavour, which I can eat bags of, in lieu of lunch/dinner/meal whatever. In fact, one of the few lingering memories of secondary school for me was of buying a big bag of that and loudly declaring to my friend that lunch was stupid, who needs lunch when you have potato chips? They are the only potato chips that have both enough salt and spiciness for me. Jack N Jill Salsa Chilli potato chips is truly an exquisite blend of artificial flavourings, sodium and MSG. Beautiful.

When that brand is not available though, I go for Calbee Hot & Spicy potato chips, which are artificially coloured a fetching shade of crimson. Although the spiciness of Calbee surpasses Jack N Jill, there was always something missing from the flavour. It felt like it was lacking something that made junk-food fun. That twang on the tongue caused by, probably, too much sodium. As such, although I enjoyed it, it was always treated as second-class. An inferior substitute.

I have flirted with various others, having short but intense love-affairs with Lay's KC Sauce Barbecue-flavoured chips and Kettle's Honey Djion (which was, admittedly, a subset of my passion for all things Honey Mustard), but these pale in comparison to what I have just discovered. My new-found love is no schoolgirl crush.

I am referring, of course, to the new line of potato chips launched by Twisties (love their curry and tomato flavours BTW) called (inanely) Chipster. In particular, their Hot & Spicy flavour which manages to capture all my favourite notes of the Jack N Jill and Calbee versions (and add a twist of Lay's and Kettle's sweetness) and remake it into something excitingly new but wonderfully familiar. It is actually spicier than the fever-inducing Calbees but balances it with a little tomato that really goes a long way. It's so wonderful that even though a not-so-large bag costs the way-too-much price of 1.95 at 7/11, it doesn't seem a wasted purchase to me at all and will probably become the new fixture at my bedside, the essential supper-snack.

Chipster potato chips. A masterpiece of Junk Food engineering.

Still Fantasy by Jay Chou

Yè De Dì Qī Zhāng really opens the album on a high note, I feel. I don't know anything about the previous song that he so-called ripped off but since it was my first time listening to those melodies, I was very impressed. I thought the arrangement was perfect. Atmospheric, moody with a great build-up to Jay finally singing the chorus. A perfect introduction.

Tīng Mā Ma De Huà was a bit disappointing after such a great first song but it's almost impossible not to like a song like that (it's like all cutesy or whatever plus it's about mothers... Chinese people all love their mothers apparently). It does its job pretty well and keeps the standards high before being completely upstaged by Qiān Li Zhī Wài, a duet which is really one of the high points of this album. The only way to describe this song is beautiful. The melody is really sweet without dipping into the saccharine of the previous song.

Sadly from this peak, the whole album kind of slumps downhill. Běn Cao Gāng Mù is alright but feels kind of uninspired. Tuì Hòu, Xīn Yu and Bái Sè Fēng Chē all feel really interchangable and made for Karaoke, lacking the special something that made a lot of Jay's previous ballads enjoyable, if not outright moving. Hóng Mó Fǎng stands out as the only song in this mess that reaches the standards set by the opening tracks.

But all is not lost! After two boring K-tracks, you get slapped across the face with Mí Dié Xiāng. From cookie-cutter KTV Jay to Bossanova?! Way to contrast! Not to mention that it's a pretty passable track at that! What?! And before you have time to recover from that, suddenly, the whole album is lifted into the transcendental realm with that gem that is Jú Huā Tái, where Jay tries to write a classical chinese song and meets WILD SUCCESS. The vocals on Jú Huā Tái are enunciated with a precision and care never before heard on any of his tracks, the arrangement is glorius and the melody is... one of the best I've ever heard.

But then again, I might just be a know-nothing (quarter-Chinese) Orientalist HELL BENT ON LOVING JAY CHOU.

If I am not the above, however, my point might be that Jú Huā Tái practically redeems the entire album of its THREE TERRIBLE crap-ballads (add to the redemption Yè De Dì Qī Zhāng and Qiān Li Zhī Wài and hey, it's a good deal really) and hopefully there's something in my crap-review (LIFE) of similar (relative) worth... But probably not.

Rinne (Re-incarnation)

Rinne, the 2005 offering by Ju-on director Takashi Shimuzu, is one of those films where it's really hard to tell whether it's good or bad.

On one hand, there's a great russian-doll-like storyline, amazingly atmospheric shots and the creepiest doll in the whole fucking world of movies. On the other hand, the pacing is sluggish, the narratives confusing and there are just too many great moments left unexploited. The plot revolves around one of the actresses in a film being made about a murder that happened in a hotel a long time ago who feels like she's a re-incarnation of one of the victims in the actual event. Simple, silly but after the plot twist (of course) it actually works amazingly well and brings up questions of, how do I put this, taking responsibility for one's past life? Haha. The first three-quarters of the film are pretty ridiculous though falling short of Kansen-standard ridiculous but the sheer beauty of a twist pulled off right kind of absolves the stupidity. It's really like a paradigm shift instead of a stupid 'gotcha'.

One also gets the feeling that Shimuzu is way too ambitious for his boots. The film tries to tackle all sorts of psuedo-philosophical issues with little success (but with more success than Kansen) because of the lack of breadth in his direction. It gives the whole thing a kind of tacky, amateurish feel where it could have been a strong, solid horror film if he had only tried to do a little less.

But still, in the last quarter everything becomes ten times more entertaining. I would actually recommend the film if only for those last twenty minutes or so. But the crappy thing is, you have to sit through the first hour or so because if not everything just doesn't make sense. I leave it up to you to decide whether it's worth your time.

Unhealth VS Health! Food fight!

When I was still in Junior College, I used to have this habit of eating the same food for lunch day in and day out for a month. I think it was because the school was somewhere in, like, nowhereland, where good food was hard to find. I used to eat Nasi Lemak EVERY SINGLE DAY until one strange and fucked-up day when the Nasi Lemak woman gave me THREE ANCHOVIES with my Nasi Lemak. THREE. I counted them in front of my friend. THREE FUCKING ANCHOVIES, can you believe it?? I mean, one is supposed to get... at least... ten? At least more than it would trouble you to count anyway. I was quite offended, really. Maybe they had some kind of anchovy shortage in the stall but still, aren't I a regular? A valued customer? Apparently not.

Anyway, it was because of this that I started eating... THIS.




Uh oh. What is that? This, my friends, is the space oddity known to man as a MODANYAKI OMELETTE. It consists of chemical yellow noodles fried and wrapped inside an omelette which is then drenched with mayonnaise, Okonomiyaki sauce and fish flakes. You know, the stuff you find on Takoyaki balls. It is sold in a shop in Jurong Entertainment Center known as KOBAYASHI which specializes in terribly cheap, badly done Japanese food. And it's terribly cheap too. Four dollars will get you this plus a drink. Anyhow, it's one of the most TERRIBLY UNHEALTHY things I've ever tasted in my short life. Halfway through you start to feel... oh maybe this isn't for me... but you keep eating! You just keep eating! And you buy it again! Why?? Why?? I ate these for a week straight before I fell sick. I actually fell sick eating this. But I went back and bought it AGAIN!




WHY?? My gut instinct tells me it's because... THE PLACE IS CALLED KOBAYASHI.

Since everyone should watch Star Trek, everyone should already know about the KOBAYASHI MARU. The no-win scenario test which was made popular in Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan. A NO-WIN SCENARIO TEST describes this dish perfectly. Eating it makes you sick. It's not so much that it can make you full. There are other cheaper things around. BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO EAT IT because somewhere... there exists the possibility that maybe... just maybe... your stomach can best this beast.

Speaking of besting beasts... is it JUST A COINCIDENCE that the Japanese competitive eating champion's name is TAKERU KOBAYASHI?? I think NOT! Imbued with his spirit (watch him try to best a beast HERE... i'm not kidding, his opponent is a giant bear) Kobayashi draws people into itself and they all become possessed with... um... eating. Yes! EEEeevil! But good for the first five minutes. So go! Go and eat this! If only for the experience of being possessed. And it's only four dollars! So the money you save, you can use for detoxing with....





ULTIMATE HEALTH COMBATOR OF FREEDOM! HAKKA THUNDER TEA RICE!!

Feeling fucked up after eating the Modanyaki Omelette?? Then you need this! And right away! This paragon of health consists of a bowl of healthy brown rice topped by healthy vegetables, tofu and nuts (amazing isn't it) and to eat it, you pour this thick green tea all over it and mix up until it becomes like so.




And then you eat it! And feel the healthy flowing back into your toes! For about five minutes.... and then you start thinking... why am I eating rabbit food? This is a traditional Hakka dish that can be found in Suntec City's Food Empire. It's not that cheap... maybe 5 dollars? I can't really remember. Only one dollar more BUT it doesn't come with a drink. NO THE TEA IS NOT A DRINK.

It's pretty interesting because the bland natural flavours of this dish is in complete contrast to the fucked up artificial flavours of the Modanyaki Omelette. It's better to eat daily, by far, but you'll probably get sick of it sooner. Though you'll be healthier for it. Eating this dish is like walking down a nice, bright, cold lane in China. Lovely but boring. The Modanyaki, however, is like listening to Para Para music. Fun but sickening.


Anyway, what is the moral of this story?? Hmm... Unhealth VS Health, do we have a winner? I seriously cannot decide this on my own. Why don't you go and eat both and tell me?

Uziga Waita VS Suehiro Maruo! Guro death match!

Ummm.... Do I have to read something to review it? I wanted to review some guro manga tonight but I couldn't get through Uziga Waita's Death Panda. I know! Let's just do a quick run-through of some of the artists I am familiar with and choose the best one!

Ichi wacha mucho la! Who's the best guro mangaka?

Well, like I said, I couldn't get through Uziga Waita's Death Panda. With a title like Death Panda you'd expect me to like it, right? Right? The first chapter is about a panda who kills people in gruesome ways! A panda! How can anyone not like it?

BALDERDASH!

And let me tell you why.

Uziga Waita's work has the dubious honor of being the only guro manga I've ever gagged at. It wasn't that it was 'too graphic' or whatever nonsense like that, no. I mean, gore is gore is gore and the more graphic the better and besides, his style is soooo anime-like it's sickening, however my introduction to him was through this manga entitled Schoolgirl In Concrete which was a fictionalized dramatization of an actual incident in Japan where some crazy teenagers caught a girl and tortured her to death over a month or so. I was semi-aware of the incident and knew that most of the tortures depicted actually happened and although it's not THAT wild (like, say, compared to de Sade), the overall style of the thing was so inherently exploitative that I gagged at the indignity of it all. It was as if he was trying to back up his torture fetish with some kind of philosophical moral pornographer crap.

And so it is with Death Panda. Yes, yes, it's supposed to be funny... BUT IT'S NOT! This guy just likes drawing people getting tortured and humiliated and the way he enjoys it comes through so clearly in his art. It's a lascivious, leery, yucky kind of enjoyment that is just... not... ugh... graceful? And no amount of teh (fake) funniez is going to hide it!

Compare this to Suehiro Maruo's work with its natural poetry. Maruo can draw people eating each other's excrement and there'll still be something poignant about the whole thing. There is no sense of exploitation, just... expression.

Let's talk a bit about Maruo, since I already picked him out as my favourite 4evaz gur0 mangakA.

My first Maruo was a compilation of shorts entitled Rose-coloured Monster. From the very first page, you can see that it's something entirely different. The art strikes somewhere between Japanese woodcut and Fritz Lang film. A lethal combination, to be sure. The stories are... kind of nutty in a silly way but man, it's all about the art! The way he juxtaposes certain elements in such an elegant way... It's beautiful. One chapter in particular, The Secret and Sad Story of the Camelia Girl, manages to convey the kind of madness Fritz Lang portrayed in M from another, more extreme angle. In a few short pages, with almost zero character development and a thin excuse for a plot, one manages to get a sense of how absurd the world really is. It feels like a lot of negativity smushed into a crucible and heated up until it comes out a gem. When one reads Maruo, one feels like the more he sinks into the mire, the more beautiful the world is.

Or is it just me?

Anyway I wish I could talk more about a couple more guys, Jun Hayami, Juan Gotoh, Shintaro Kago and the non-guro-man-but-my-second-favourite-next-to-Maruo - Machino Henmaru, but I think it's time for me to sleep/play more games. This whole thing has turned into an indictment of Waita and lauding of Maruo anyway.

So, sleep tight! And don't take shit in your tea while enjoying your Maruo!

THE CHZO MYTHOS

What makes a good film? Why, I would say editing and direction, for no film is good without a good lot of those. But, what makes a great film? Why, I would say an interesting plot and memorable characters.

And erm... why am I talking about this? Because the Chzo Mythos is not a film, or even a series of films.... It's a bunch of adventure games. BUT THEY ARE A BUNCH OF WOW ADVENTURE GAMES WHICH ARE BETTER THAN ANYTHING HOLLYWOOD HAS PUT OUT IN THE PAST TEN YEARS!

The Chzo Mythos is a tetralogy of games revolving around some strange, ancient, supernatural horror. It's your basic point-and-click (with the option/risk of dying, something quite strange in the genre) puzzle-solving, AGS-scripted affair but what sets it apart from other games is the sheer scope of its plot. The series spans many centuries and each successive addition manages to expand the plot more and more.

The entire thing kicks off in 5 Days A Stranger, where you play Trilby, a 'gentleman thief' who breaks into a house only to find that you can't break out of the house. Supernatural events ensue. It's a simple premise and the game has only around 10-15 rooms but Ben 'Yahtzee' Croshaw, the game developer/designer, manages to use each and every one of them so effectively, sooner or later you just get caught up in the whole thing and suddenly the little pixel blob graphics take on a life of their own and everything manages to become unnaturally spooky. The dialogue is witty and funny and Trilby, as the only one who keeps his head while everyone loses theirs (metaphorically), is a pretty endearing character. The gameplay is fantastic. The puzzles are just the right level of difficulty and the controls are smooth and suit a laptop's touchpad pretty well. All in all, it's a very, very enjoyable game with subtle nods to classic horror films here and there. What a perfect introduction to the world of adventure gaming! Ahhh.....

The 2nd installation, 7 Days A Skeptic, is where everything reaaaallly speeds up and takes off. This time the supernaturality is happening in... space! That's right! Space horror! A genre that has not been fully explored methinks (remember how good Solaris was? TARKOVSKY NOT SODERBERGH PLEASsseE) and a shame it is too. The inherent claustrophobia of being on a spaceship makes it the ultimate setting for TERRORIZATION BY A WELDER! Anyway, it's set around 4 centuries after 5 Days and you play a psychiatrist (Kris Kelvin much?) on a ship of DOOM. It's wonderful, it's magnificent, it's like Event Horizon done right! The puzzles are harder this time around and some of them border on headbanging. There are also really wicked moments of... DOOM. There are actually MANY instances in which you can die and in some sequences you even have to run and shoot, which feels weird in a point-and-click but serves to kind of up the DOOM factor (MOVE FASTER YOU PIXEL SON OF A BITCH) and makes the whole thing even scarier. Scary as hell, in fact. I was jumpy for two full hours after playing this. The controls are kind of fucked up for this one as they were probably optimized for mouse-play and none of the characters in this are even remotely as cool as Trilby. However, everything else is superior to the first. The story loses some of its humour but gains terror momentum fast.

The 3rd part of the series diverts from the usual 'blah blah days a blah blah' title-formula with a brand new fangled title called Trilby's Notes. Ahh... good old Trilby! How I love thee! Anyway, this time you get to play a more mature, less cavalier Trilby who has been recruited into some kind of special government agency investigating the occult. Set a couple of years after 5 Days, this one is to The Shining what 7 Days was to Event Horizon. With a new 'shadow realm' full of blood and guts and meat and scary dudes that you can phase in and out of (that makes for some really jumpy scream-out-loud moments) and the incorporation of a more text-based interface than its previous two counterparts, the puzzles are magnificently hard. Trilby's Notes is also, hands down, the freakiest game of the lot (unlocking doors with LIMBS???) and maybe the best of the lot. The story is fleshed out even more with significant nods to Hellraiser and the beginnings of the CHZO MYTHOS BACKSTORY start to drip in and it's really quite good.

The last of the tetralogy is 6 Days A Sacrifice and it's set smack dab in the center (chronologically) of 5 Days and 7 Days. 196 years on each side, if I'm not mistaken. Anyway, this time you play a severely injured building inspector. Definitely the most ambitious of the lot, this one tries to tie up all the loose ends in the previous three games and give it a satisfying, crunchy ending. There's a lot of time-travelling, a lot of flashbacks and even a sort-of sex scene. The plot becomes all twisted and a little philosophical (just a little) in a Hellraiser-meets-Donnie-Darko way and the puzzles are just mindbogglingly hard. Trilby also makes a re-appearance in this one and, although I won't spoil the plot for you, there is a HUGE nod to God-Emperor Of Dune here which I didn't quite enjoy because I love good ol good ol Trilby. This is the game where the series reaches for CLASSIC status and kind of gets there for awhile before falling off into the GREAT GAME pit.

There are also a couple of text-adventures that can be downloaded along with 6 Days that try to swell the story even more. They are also pretty good. If a little short. And painfully easy. They're worth it just for the story, really. It's a good story.

Anyway, THE CHZO MYTHOS is a bunch of games that beg to be played. And played chronologically. In a day. Taken separately, each game is a fun, well-made adventure game. Good games. Taken together, the whole thing becomes MASSIVE ENTERTAINMENT. GREAT game. There is such a heavily cinematic feel to all of it that you can't help feeling like you're watching a fantastic Hollywood horror film DONE RIGHT. Like The Exorcist or something. As written by Junji Ito. With Ewan McGregor as lead. It's a well-written, excellently directed story that you can really lose yourself in... for a day or so. Unless you absolutely refuse to check any walkthroughs, for in that case, my friend, YOU WILL GET STUCK. I guarantee you WILL get stuck and bang your head against the wall forever.

Whatever. All the games can be downloaded HERE and by God, you should download them RIGHT NOW. DOWNLOAD ALL AND PLAY NOW and donate the cash you're going to spend on The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Redux Redux Redux OR WHATEVER to Ben Croshaw.